Maybe it’s because I’m procrastinating that I’m typing this blog entry so late at night, but at times during the night and even through the natural course of the day really, I find myself swimming in a sea of thoughts searching for answers to questions in life, big and small. On the plate today, an issue that has consumed every spare moment of my time this summer, the demon child commonly referred to as Calculus.
At the risk of sounding like a distressed college student tired of putting forth the effort, this really is an issue that extends beyond the class itself. While not normally a fan of country music, I have picked up on a little jingle by Lonestar called Mountains that is particularly appropriate for this hour in my life. The main chorus of the song goes
“There are times in life when you gotta crawl
Lose your grip, trip and fall
When you can’t lean on no-one else
That’s when you find yourself
I’ve been around and noticed that
Walking’s easier when the road is flat
Them danged ole’ hills will get you every time
Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains
So we could learn how to climb”
When it comes to my education, and math in particular, it really is like climbing up a mountain. I’ve struggled in math since at least middle school, and it’s been a very deliberate and drawn out “mountain road.” So when confronted suddenly with a math course that seems impassable, it’s nothing new really. It’s not like a light bulb popped on that revealed how cumbersome numbers are in my mind, I’ve always known that it’s been there and that it’s been a problem. What seems to make this different is that the foreseeable chain reaction following this course runs deeper than I can imagine.
This is usually just a decision to wait and take it again another semester or to do the best to pass it during the summer, but that’s easier said than done. While true that it can be taken at a later date, why not finish it now? It comes down to sanity. I’m up studying later than I ever did while I was at school during the year with potentially a couple more hours ahead of me before going to bed in the early morning. All in a futile attempt to pass a quiz over a topic I know little about, a pattern that has continued for weeks (talk about a boost to your morale!)
But at the same time the very difficulties which pull me down and under are the same that make me stronger. Is this an instance where I need to suck it up and study for close to 6 or 8 hours a day till I get it right, growing stronger in the process but ultimately draining myself in the end or am I picking the wrong battlefield? Next semester promises to be challenging if I’m taking this calculus course again or if I’ve moved on to the next one. But could this decision set a precedent for other decisions yet to come?
Seems like I’ve turned this into a situation that could determine the future of my entire life. No additional pressure whatsoever now! I should get back to studying now, 3.5 more hours to go or so. (Maybe less if I can’t figure this stuff out.) Thank you for listening.